My Poetry

Here is a sample of some poems I wrote in 2016 and 2017.


At the Corner of Hollywood and Wilcox

I like elephants.
They are big.
People don’t know why they are big.
Maybe to help them reach high into trees.
Maybe to protect them from predators.
Jenny said god made them that way.

Elephants are not afraid of mice
any more than you or me.
That’s a myth.
Jumbo’s feet were gnawed bloody by rats
while he was chained in place for a decade.
Jumbo was afraid of rats.

My wife likes to eat steak
and hamburgers.
I sometimes find crumpled sacks
from Carl’s Jr. on the floor of her car.
She especially likes their lettuce wrap
low-carb burger.

The gallbladder is a small organ
where bile is stored.
Elephants are herbivores
and don’t have a gallbladder.
They rely on hind gut fermentation of
fecal matter in their large cecum
using bacterial symbiosis.
Or so they say.

My wife has gallstones
and can’t fully digest animal fats.
Sometimes she gets sick
after she eats red meat.

Like the time we were going to
the Pantages Theatre to see “If-Then”
starring Idina Menzel
and we ate at this chic diner joint.
I ordered a hamburger,
because that’s what they were famous for.
I sent it back because it was too greasy to eat.
The guy at the next table got mad at me.
He put $20 on our table
as we were walking out the door.

I don’t remember what my wife ate
but she got sick right after
and puked into a trash can
at the corner of Hollywood and Wilcox.
I went to the drug store across the street
and bought some Alka-Seltzer for her.

The show was good.
We both liked it a lot.

Right now there’s a frozen steak sitting out.
It’s defrosting for dinner tonight.
It’s inside a Hefty plastic storage bag.
I weighed it on our Ozeri Kitchen Digital Scale,
one pound, four ounces.
I don’t know why cows are big.


Trump’s Cock

Oh, you tubby lubby of mine
You big boss man fire me
Tie me to your tree and stretch me
Make me scream mon petit carrot cake
Swim on me
Breast stroke all over me
Drive me on your beautiful golf course
Take me into your tower
My sweet coming billionaire
My gorgeous orgasmic El Presidente
Oh, Dongaldo, Dongaldski, Dongaldez,
Chongfu! Povtoreniye! Repetir!

Published July 4, 2017 in Algebra of Owls


Psychiatrist Math

i am mentally perfect now for sure
my psychiatrist he’s a smart doctor
prescribes a new med every visit he’s
done so for the last three years i go
fill the prescriptions but don’t take
the meds it’s stupid to take that
many meds they’re in my refrigerator
vegetable bin for safe keeping who
knows but he says believe me
most of my patients take five to
ten i take two only one if you don’t
count the med that doubles as a
sleeping pill but is also used to
sedate suicidal people or four if
you count the two i keep in my desk
drawer but take pro re nata like if
i’m performing or meeting one of my
wife’s friends and have to remember
her name for a full hour or more
which was not the plan with those
meds but is one thing they’re good
for as i’ve found out by years of
experimenting with combinations like
the time i was flying overseas and
wanted to sleep the whole way and
can’t go pee on planes anyway it was
a doozy of a sleep with help from
mr’s z w and x old algebra tricks i
don’t mess around yes sir mam my
vegetable bin is packed with bottles
and sample packs of meds ten or
fifteen tasty as salad topper pepper
grinder fish food to share with old
dogs and cats you know the sad story
it wasn’t your dog anyway he said
three months got it perfect sure


Dead Elephant Hair

The end of an African
elephant’s tail is hairy.
The hair is coarse and
strong, like fishing line.

On big game safaris,
it’s traditional to cut off
the tail of your dead elephant
with a knife.

The bwana will take a
picture of you holding the
tail in one hand and your
knife in the other.

When posing, make sure to
hold the tail vertically:
bloody stump down,
hairy tip up.

Don’ let blood drip
onto the hair. Nobody likes
bloody elephant hair.
It’s very hard to clean.

Legend says wearing an
elephant hair bracelet
will protect you from
misfortune and illness.

It will bring love, health
and prosperity.
You only need two
or three hairs.

You can buy a
bracelet on eBay
or you can kill
your own elephant.

Tanzania and Mozambique
still allow elephant
hunting. But Zimbabwe
is the best place to go.

You will find an elephant
to kill about midway
between Bulawayo
and Victoria Falls.


Shopping for Godot

There are seventeen brands of water
on sale at Trader Joe’s and I’m thinking
Smart Water infused with
lavender essence, zero parts per billion,

because I want to be smart,
and lavender sounds like a Spring meadow—
lovers and their children,
being chased by bees

all the times I ran and how good
I got at running
at eating

grass-fed free-range
environmentally enlightened beef
with an e-Coupon
redeemable for negative karma

gluten free organic non-GMO Gala apples
each handcrafted by a wild
Arizona mustang’s bastard Kachina-child.

It’s such a relief to be healthy again.

My eyes stare Hubble-blue at you.
I’m four inches taller than Jesus.
My abs are six-pack pop-top aphrodisiacs.

You, with eight reasons to doubt me,
forget your list and
help me carry these heavy bags.


Poe’s Law

I got food stamps under my dog’s name— Rosie.
Her signature was tough to read but she licked like no other.

A man with a big nose and glasses sticking out his tongue: 8^P
You left me alone at the airport with $200 and 3 shirts.

I stole cable TV and traded it with my neighbor for lemons.
They were small and moldy; I picked the best ones.

The head of a duck smoking a cigarette: o<=~
Quackola, quack-a-roo-be-doo! Let’s all swim in our shit.

The fool of clubs, the naked hangman, the rape of the virgin—
I can’t wait to use the sarcastic blinky emoji again.

That way when you think I am calling you an idiot
you will understand I am really saying how brilliant you are.

My Math

Selected Mathematical Research Papers
by Eliot Jacobson, Ph.D. (and co-authors)

My dissertation (1983, University of Arizona — Advisor: Richard Pierce) :

Green Functor Constructions in the Theory of Associate Algebras

 

APHeat!

Articles on Casino Advantage Play
by Eliot Jacobson, Ph.D.

Original articles now hosted at: https://www.888casino.com/blog/apheat/all-apheat-posts

BACCARAT

BACCARAT SIDE BETS

BLACKJACK

BLACKJACK SIDE BETS

NOVELTY GAMES

EDGE SORTING

PROMOTIONS, COUPONS, REBATES AND DISCOUNTS

SURVEYS

COMMENTARIES

OTHER POSTS

Advanced Advantage Play

Downloads from Advanced Advantage Play (book)
by Eliot Jacobson, Ph.D.

DOWNLOADABLE FILES AT — ijmp.org/advanced-advantage-play/

 

Home

Eliot Jacobson, Age 10
Eliot Jacobson, Age 10

Welcome to Eliot Jacobson‘s super happy fun website of the day (of the decade). If you arrived here it is most likely because you are looking for something that at some point in my life I was obsessed with. That thing might be mathematics, physics, casino advantage play, music, chess, modern poetry, magic, juggling or any number of other things. Did I mention that I have a “serial compulsive” personality. I pick a thing, attempt to get reasonably good at it, get bored or frustrated with the thing, and move on. Maybe five different things at a time. Repeat that pattern about every 5 to 10 years and you’ve got my life.

Eliot Jacobson, Age 60

And I never miss my weekly meeting with the local chapter of OAOA “Over-Achieving Obsessives Anonymous.” Yeah, that doesn’t exist. But it should! Like that group for folks who talk way too much, onandonanon. They’ve even got a website!  Don’t believe me? Just ask my unicorn Molly! As Molly says, always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn. Molly plagiarized that phrase — it originally specified anteaters, not unicorns. Silly Molly created a meme!

Black Holes, the Small Bang and A.P. What?

For those who still think of me in casino/gambling terms, I retired in October, 2017 and shuttered my longtime business Jacobson Gaming. You can read a couple of recent articles about me here and here that go into more detail. My blog “A.P. Heat!” moved here (or click on the A.P. Heat! banner).

My gambling books are no longer available on Amazon. Once in a while I put a couple of copies up on e-Bay, so check there. The downloads for my book Advanced Advantage Play are here.

I haven’t been inside a casino since Fall, 2016. There are a few outstanding folks in the industry I miss hanging out with, but overall I am glad to have moved on (… andonanon).

Molly the Unicorn Doesn’t Know Eliot Jacobson’s Email Address

Rosie with a rose
Rosie with a rose

Oh, ijmp.org makes for a very easy email address. If you need to get in touch with me, try the most obvious email address of the form @ijmp.org. If you are smarter than my dog Rosie, you’ll figure it out. What’s my first name?  Rosie is a nice dog, but she’s frightened of cats, loud noises and rain.

Please, don’t ask Molly the unicorn for my email address. She doesn’t know about email addresses and may lie anyway. Lesson of the day: don’t trust unicorns!

The Multiverse’s Inner Child

Little Mac and Sujatha
Little Mac and Sujatha

Right now I am involved with two fairly new universes. I am a docent for our two female Asian elephants (Sujatha and Little Mac) at the Santa Barbara Zoo. Please visit sbzoo.org . And please donate (or donate to some non-profit, or a few of them)! If you happen to be passing through Santa Barbara, stop by the zoo and say “hi!”

My other new universe is that I am learning how to produce and direct TV shows. I am volunteering at the local community access station tvsb.tv . I am also producing and directing my wife’s TV show, “Dying in Grace.” Check out the show’s YouTube channel, @dyingingrace. Here is the first episode:

In the Beginning, April was the Cruelest Month 

You may be wondering where IJMP came from. This website was originally a “poetry” publication and forum (circa 2017). Way back then, IJMP stood for “International Journal of Modern Poetry.” Well, that’s over with. It’s not that I don’t like poetry, but like everything else creative in my life, I’ve moved on (for now). I’ve posted a few of my poems on this site for continuity (here). If you’re looking for a great poetry forum, I highly recommend Open Arts Forum.

Here is a poem that I wrote then turned into a video — it’s about Molly’s sister Shirley:

Eliot Jacobson Says, “Thanks for the Fish”

This heading and sub-section is purely for SEO purposes.  In case you are wondering, Molly doesn’t eat fish and would never thank anyone anyway.

10120  Years Later …

I hope something posted here is what you came looking for. If you read this far, then probably not. And certainly you are wondering about 10120. That number corresponds with the number of years required for the heat death of the universe, which is a topic I am certain you are very curious about. After all, who wouldn’t want to know the ultimate fate of the universe, right? Or Molly’s proclivity towards deviancy? But that’s a topic for a different day.

10120 is also known as Shannon’s number and is a lower bound on the game-tree complexity of chess. Molly does play chess, but unfortunately views eating the King with a great deal more enthusiasm than checkmating her opponent. As a result, Molly is on a timeout from chess. I hope you will understand that Molly is not accepting game/match challenges at this time.

Cheers!

–Eliot